Friends and colleagues often seek my advice about ageing parents who are increasingly confused and behave in bizarre, unrecognizable ways. They know that I have traveled that long hard road with my mother who suffered from Alzheimer’s, as well as gaining experience through my work of many years in a geriatric facility.
Recently, Rose (we’ll call her that), told me that her mother has begun to accuse her of taking her money, of cheating her and leaving her destitute. Rose is an intelligent woman and knows something about Alzheimer’s, but in spite of it, she is angry. She can’t help it. Of all people, she says, how can my mother accuse me. Me, her daughter. I spend so much time, thought and effort to make her life easier. I am a devoted daughter, and always have been. The thought of stealing from her is so abhorrent. It’s too objectionable an accusation for me to abide.
But of course, she loses sight of the fact that it is the dementia that is talking, not her beloved mother. The accusation comes from the brain of a person suffering from a progressive and cruel illness. I tried, with some success to paraphrase this accusation of Rose’s mother. What she was saying is, “Rose, I am so muddled up. I cannot keep control of the thoughts in my head. I know I had some money somewhere, but I don’t know where it is or how much it is. Maybe I mislaid it somewhere. I just can’t keep track of things. I think the people around me must be taking my money away from me. You might well be one of them.”
The thing is it is easier for Rose’s mom to think someone is stealing from her, rather than to face the hideous reality that she is losing her mental faculties. In a moment of anger and insult, Rose fails to understand that her mother’s perceptions and judgments are increasingly faulty, that she no longer perceives the world in a reliable manner, as she used to, or as the rest of the world does. Things don’t connect, because the brain cannot interpret what it sees. Have any of you been accused in such a way? Is it hard to control the natural sense of insult? I’d love to know. It’s an important subject.