Friends and colleagues often seek my advice about ageing parents who are increasingly confused and behave in bizarre, unrecognizable ways. They know that I have traveled that long hard road with my mother who suffered from Alzheimer’s, as well as gaining experience through my work of many years in a geriatric facility.
Recently, Rose (we’ll call her that), told me that her mother has begun to accuse her of taking her money, of cheating her and leaving her destitute. Rose is an intelligent woman and knows something about Alzheimer’s, but in spite of it, she is angry. She can’t help it. Of all people, she says, how can my mother accuse me. Me, her daughter. I spend so much time, thought and effort to make her life easier. I am a devoted daughter, and always have been. The thought of stealing from her is so abhorrent. It’s too objectionable an accusation for me to abide.
But of course, she loses sight of the fact that it is the dementia that is talking, not her beloved mother. The accusation comes from the brain of a person suffering from a progressive and cruel illness. I tried, with some success to paraphrase this accusation of Rose’s mother. What she was saying is, “Rose, I am so muddled up. I cannot keep control of the thoughts in my head. I know I had some money somewhere, but I don’t know where it is or how much it is. Maybe I mislaid it somewhere. I just can’t keep track of things. I think the people around me must be taking my money away from me. You might well be one of them.”
The thing is it is easier for Rose’s mom to think someone is stealing from her, rather than to face the hideous reality that she is losing her mental faculties. In a moment of anger and insult, Rose fails to understand that her mother’s perceptions and judgments are increasingly faulty, that she no longer perceives the world in a reliable manner, as she used to, or as the rest of the world does. Things don’t connect, because the brain cannot interpret what it sees. Have any of you been accused in such a way? Is it hard to control the natural sense of insult? I’d love to know. It’s an important subject.
July 10, 2007 at 2:54 am
After sixty years of devotion and commitment my mother is being accused by my father of having affairs. She can no longer wear any of the bright colors he used to love her in when she now visits him in the dementia unit. She can’t talk to him about the things she is doing because he thinks she is doing them with another man.
My mother is heartbroken.
July 11, 2007 at 4:18 am
Hi Beverly,
Thanks for sharing your short story. I’m sure many can identify with this sad situation. You say your mother is heartbroken and I imagine you are too.
I’m just wondering if by toning down her clothes, and not talking about things she is doing, this really reduces his accusations. Because, if not, it must only add to her burden to limit who she is as a person and try to be someone else if he is anyway so suspicious. Is he on any medication? Sometimes this helps during a particularly aggressive stage of the illness.
Wishing you well,
Ruth
July 14, 2007 at 4:30 am
Thanks for responding, Ruth.
Tonight he was yelling at a resident who has minimal verbal skills and calling him a ‘dummy’. ‘They should lock him up!’ he pointed and yelled out.
Yes, he is on the medication, Seroquel, that is supposed to help calm him and help with the delusions.
One of the problems is that he won’t attend the generic activities provided by the facility. He considers them to be too juvenile. I am wondering if there are some art therapy approaches that might be used to interest him. I am seeking some direction.
Beverly.
July 17, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Hi Beverley,
I wish I could help. However there is a stage of the illness for some people, where there is such a breakdown of internal organization, so much paranoia, confusion, and profound change in personality, that there is no way they would respond to any art activity. Once again I wonder if maybe the dose of Seroquel needs to be upped. Could you ask the psychiatrist about this. Usually, and this is my only consolation to you, this phase passes after some time and leaves the patient calmer and more amenable.